Based on my own previous experiences of commuting with a bouquet, and today’s observations of people struggling with blooms on public transport, I present this handy guide to how to carry flowers (either given to you or on your way to present them to someone else), without looking ridiculous.
There are in fact six main carrying stances:
1. The Bride
Stance: Single or double-handed, bouquet held in front of the body.
Notes: Tendency to look like blushing bride. Must avoid slow-walking, or wearing of white clothing.
Stance: Single-handed, bouquet held upright but tilted at a slight angle.
Notes: Pose suggests that the holder is unaware that they are holding a lovely bouquet of flowers, or that this sort of thing happens all the time. “What’s that? Nice flowers? Eh? Oh, you mean these flowers? Yes, I suppose they are…” NB: Can play havoc with weak wrists.
3. The Sweep
Stance: Single-handed, bouquet grasped around the base and facing downwards.
Notes: Signals embarrassment about receiving or carrying flowers. Usually accompanied by intense blushes. Very effective for de-petalling the blooms, as downwards-orientation and pendulum motion conspire with gravity to cause petals to drop off.
4. The Torch
Stance: Single-handed, bouquet held upright, slightly aloft and at a right angle to the body, but at some distance.
Notes: Usually adopted by boyfriends/husbands, this posture signals that the carrier has bought the flowers for someone else, and is merely conveying them to their intended recipient, plus do you really think I’d be caught dead carrying flowers around in the street? Do you? Well, do you? What sort of bloke do you think I am? etc etc. NB: Can be painful on upper arms/shoulders if used for a long time.
5. The Award
Stance: Single-handed grasp, with bouquet resting in the crook of the opposite arm.
Notes: The award for best flower carrying posture goes to….*drum roll*…. whoever carries their flowers like this! Impossible not to seem as if you are receiving an award, or holding a large, florid baby.
6. The Microphone
Stance: Single-handed, bouquet held upright and slightly aloft directly in front of the body, near the face.
Notes: Can seem as if you are about to break into karaoke, depending on the type of flowers. Avoid bulbous blooms.
Of course, it’s best to remember that, on today of all days, nothing says “I love you” like dead vegetation…